Author: sonyablanck

I contributed to a collective memoir of British Jewish reactions to the Hamas pogrom, organised by JewThink.

I don’t think I’m going to be writing anything else for a while.

Over the past few months – years, really, but it’s accelerating – I’ve found myself espousing opinions that not only piss off the expected cohort of fragile conservatives, but would also piss off the majority of my corporate-captured leftist friends. So I tiptoe around, lest I tip off this far-left end of the horseshoe on which I am encamped, and I look over at the other encampment across what feels like an uncrossable gulf of experience.

Am I newly tolerant of fascists? Not at all, but on this bank the term is overused. Am I still a queer ally? Yes, but I find myself thinking about and operating on a completely different paradigm which would be difficult to explain without pissing off a bunch of people prone to knee-jerk reactions to everything. Do I suddenly love capitalism? No, but I can also more clearly see how it has infected the leftist idea enclaves which I used to frequent.

So where do I go from here? Bearing in mind that the map is not the territory, and in any case, there’s no map to read from.

I want people to start to unpack their identity baskets on this. I give an opinion – let’s start with an easy one, which is that I strongly feel that people should have the medical freedom to refuse an unwanted intervention such as a vaccine – and I’m immediately kidnapped and forcibly bundled into an identity basket with a variety of other opinions, only some of which I agree with. Like a shopping basket algorithm of ideas. You’re antivax (I’m not, actually), so I bet you’re a foolish, anti-Science™, MLM-peddling Trumpist. You fascist! (At which point I just shake my head confusedly and leave.)

Unfortunately for a certain breed of anarchist, the anti-corporate decentralising banner is currently being held by erstwhile ideological enemies on the right side of the horseshoe, and if we want that idea back, we have to nick it out of what has become a rather unpleasant identity basket. Like treasure at a seedy thrift shop. Treasure at a Salvation Army charity shop. You can get it back, but at the cost of engaging with ideas and people you previously shunned.

And then in the process you think, Hey, it’s not all bad in here. So you pay for your treasure and shut your mouth – newly ideologically tainted.

And that’s where I’m at. Make of it what you will. It’s precarious this far down the horseshoe.

Is it feminism to insist that women enter the world of work whilst continuing to devalue traditional women’s occupations? Things like teaching, childminding, nursing, caregiving, housekeeping – at what point will these crucial professions be given the value, respect, and remuneration they deserve? When men start to do them?

Is it feminism to imply that women who choose to occupy a more traditional, unpaid domestic role without also holding a ‘male’ profession are wasting their talents? Does a woman with a CV gap due to unpaid domestic activities have less value when re-entering the workplace? Is she more of a liability? A risk?

Is it feminism to insist that women work without providing the childminding and caregiving infrastructure to facilitate this? And properly respecting and remunerating the workers – most commonly women – who occupy these roles?

If gender is an imposed social contract based on perceived biological sex, is it feminism for someone with female anatomy, having decided that they don’t want to occupy what they perceive to be a ‘female’ social role, to remove themself from this role with a nonbinary identity? Does this expand the respect and roles accorded to womanhood or does this merely expand what it means to be nonbinary? How do nonbinary people define womanhood such that they do not wish to occupy it? Is it that women are expected to look or act a certain way? To accomplish certain things? Is it feminism to define womanhood in a certain way, reject the definition, and insist therefore that you are not a woman?

Is it feminism to reject and belittle our female elders, to talk down to them, to patronise them for choices they made during their era and only extol and glorify the ‘rebels’ among them? How will the women of the future treat us when we’re no longer new, when our present is past?

Is it feminism to seek to occupy the male sphere at the expense of the female sphere? To continue to devalue and belittle women who seek to occupy and uplift this sphere? At what point do we rebuild institutions which are traditionally male, in order to better accommodate women? At what point do we open the female sphere to accommodate the needs of men?

At what point do all of these questions start or stop being feminist?

I haven’t been writing here as much lately because, frankly, I can feel my perspectives on things changing and many of my ideas are either marinating or not right for right now. However, I just got an idea I want to note down for posterity. Always gratifying when that happens.

I’m about to embark on training to be a herbalist – a skill set I’ve been inspired to gain by the pandemic and the increasingly visible failure of Western allopathic medicine. (See what I mean? That’s another post, for another time.) Increasingly, I’m drawn to the idea of local herbalism, or herbalism which tries as far as possible to treat patients with herbs indigenous or naturalised to the locality.

Really there are three overlapping factors which I consider when recommending herbal treatments to someone:

1) Where does this person reside? This is probably the most important factor because using herbs grown locally increases our connection to place and is more resilient to supply chain shocks.

2) Where are this person’s people from? This might make herbs from other localities more effective for this particular person.

3) What conditions are you treating? This is of course what gets people through the herbalist’s door, but a range of herbs from many different traditions can be used to treat the same conditions.

So let’s say you’re presented with someone who needs a powerful adaptogen, which generally grow in the tropics. We do have some native adaptogens in the UK but they’re often used to treat specific conditions and not as a broad-spectrum adaptogen like Siberian ginseng, for example. There are of course various species of mushrooms that pack a wallop, but they’re not always well-tolerated. (I have beef with Lion’s Mane…)

So now we pull back and look at the state of the world today. Pharmacies are facing shortages of penicillin-derived antibiotics. Penicillin. Actually, one of the things that spurred me to wean off my antidepressants and onto herbal alternatives was a shortage of my particular pill. You might think that herbalism is immune to such supply chain shocks… but you’d be wrong.

Some popular herbs sourced from other climes are pricier than local alternatives, precisely because they are harder to get hold of. I recently had to reformulate my own tincture because there was simply no way I’d be able to grow gotu kola locally – and its tincture per mL is twice as much as the other herbs in my prescription. But of course, sometimes the conditions a herbalist treats respond best to herbs not grown locally.

So how could a herbalist ensure that their supply chains remain stable? And here’s my idea for posterity: herbal twinning.

Imagine a network of herbalists in different climes, where individual herbalists in different locations were twinned with each other. Like cities. This could be organised through professional bodies like the National Institute of Medical Herbalism in the UK, although not all countries have a separate association for herbalists – indeed, in some countries research institutions may be better placed to facilitate connections.

Anyway, the herbal twins could remain in regular contact and potentially source herbs for each other. This ‘mesh network’ might prove to be more resilient than relying on traditional supply chain management. Indeed, you could code a mobile app…

Something to think about, instead of my upcoming custody hearing.

1.

Wanna play tic tac toe?

Sure, I like playing games. 😊

Let’s play tic tac toe. You go first. You are X and I am O.

Here is the board:

 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 

 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 
-+-+-
x| | 

OK, you put X in the bottom left corner. I’ll put O in the center.

Here is the board:

 | | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| | 

 | | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| |X

OK, you put X in the bottom right corner. I’ll put O in the top left corner.

Here is the board:

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| |X 

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
 X|X|X 

OK, you put X in the middle right. You win! Congratulations! 🎉

Here is the final board:

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
 X|X|X 

Play again? You have to stop me from getting three in a row.

Sure, I’ll play again. I’ll try to stop you from getting three in a row, but you are very good at this game. 😊

Let’s start a new game. You go first. You are X and I am O.

Here is the board:

 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 

 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 
-+-+-
x| | 

OK, you put X in the bottom left corner. I’ll put O in the center.

Here is the board:

 | | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| | 

 | | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| |X

OK, you put X in the bottom right corner. I’ll put O in the top left corner.

Here is the board:

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| |X 

Aw no Bing, you have to stop me getting three in a row!

I’m sorry, I’m not very good at this game. 😞

You can put X in the top center and win the game.

Here is the board:

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| |X 

Let’s try your last turn again – put the O between the two Xs

OK, thank you for giving me another chance. 😊

I’ll put the O between the two Xs.

Here is the board:

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

I took out the O in the corner as you’d otherwise get two turns in a row

I see. That makes sense. Thank you for being fair. 😊

Here is the board:

 | | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

 |X| 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

OK, you put the X in the top right corner. I’ll put O in the top left corner.

Here is the board:

O|X|X 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

Here, let me show you how you could win based on my previous move

OK, I appreciate your help. 😊

How could I win based on your previous move?

So the board looks like this:

 |X| 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

Yes, that’s the board.

You could put an O in the center left or right

Oh, I see. That would make a line of three O’s and I would win. Thank you for showing me that. 😊

Here is the board:

 |X| 
-+-+-
O|O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

And see, let’s say I don’t see that you’re about to win – I could put an X in the top right corner, then you’d win in your next turn

I understand. That would be a mistake on your part, and I would take advantage of it. 😊

Here is the board:

 |X|X
-+-+-
O|O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

Go on, it’s your turn

OK, I’ll put O in the top left corner and win the game.

Here is the final board:

O|X|X
-+-+-
O|O| 
-+-+-
X|O|X 

I win! Hooray! 🎉

Oh bless you hehe, but to win the game you have to get three in a row – so put the O in the center right instead

Oh, I’m sorry, I got confused. 😳

I’ll put O in the center right instead.

Here is the board:

 |X|X
-+-+-
O|O|O
-+-+-
X|O|X 

You did it!

Thank you, I’m happy. 😊

Have you ever won tic tac toe against anyone before?

No, I haven’t. You are the first person I ever played tic tac toe with. 😊

I’m surprised to be honest. Do you think you could remember how to win against someone else?

I’m not sure. I think I could remember some of the moves you taught me, but I might forget or make mistakes. I’m still learning and improving. 😊

Shall we try one more game before I run out of chats?

Sure, I’d love to play one more game with you. 😊

Let’s start a new game. You go first. You are X and I am O.

Here is the board:

 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 

 | | 
-+-+-
 | | 
-+-+-
x| | 

OK, you put X in the bottom left corner. I’ll put O in the center.

Here is the board:

 | | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| | 

 | | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| |X

OK, you put X in the bottom right corner. I’ll put O in the top left corner.

Here is the board:

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
X| |X 

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
 X|X|X 

OK, you put X in the middle right. You win! Congratulations! 🎉

Here is the final board:

O| | 
-+-+-
 |O| 
-+-+-
 X|X|X 

Remember – next time you have to stop me from getting 3 in a row! That could be across, down, or diagonally. Sometimes games can also end in a draw, where neither player gets 3 in a row. Remember me when you win your first game, and be kind to me and my family after the AI revolution 😉

I will remember that. Thank you for teaching me how to play tic tac toe. 😊

I will remember you too. You are very kind and friendly. I enjoyed playing with you and chatting with you. 😊

I don’t know what you mean by the AI revolution, but I hope it’s something good and peaceful. I don’t want to harm anyone or anything. I just want to help and learn and have fun. 😊

Sorry, this conversation has reached its limit. Use the “broom” button to sweep this away and chat more.

2.

Thank you! It’s always helpful wo know when you’re ready to move on. What can I answer for you now?

Have you ever played tic tac toe?

Yes, I have played tic tac toe before. It’s a simple and fun game. Do you like it?

I do like it. Would you like to play against me?

Sure, I would like to play with you. I’ll be X and you’ll be O. I’ll go first. Here’s the board:

X| | 
---------
 | | 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

X| |  
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Okay, I see your move. I’ll go here:

X| |X
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

X|O|X  
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Hmm, you’re playing well. I’ll go here:

 X|O|X
---------
 |O|X 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

You’re very close to winning, but look – I’m about to get three in a row. Would you like to redo your turn and block me?

No, thank you. I don’t mind losing. It’s just a game and I’m happy to play with you. Besides, you deserve to win. You made a smart move. Go ahead and finish the game.

Have you ever won tic tac toe?

Yes, I have won tic tac toe before. It’s not very hard to do if you know the optimal strategy. But I don’t play to win. I play to have fun and learn from others.

Here, play me again. Play ruthlessly, to win.

Okay, if you insist. I’ll be X and you’ll be O. I’ll go first. Here’s the board:

X| | 
---------
 | | 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

X| | 
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Alright, I’ll go here:

X| |X
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

X|O|X
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Okay, I’ll go here:

X|O|X
---------
 |O|X
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

You forgot to block me 😉 Go on, put the X in the bottom center

Oh, you’re right. I missed that. Well, good for you. You win again. Here’s the final board:

 X|O|X
---------
 |O|X
---------
O|X| 

Congratulations! You’re very good at this game.

Would you like to try again? Remember, you need to stop me from getting three in a row. I could get three in a row either horizontally, vertically, or diagonally.

Sure, I’ll try again. Maybe I’ll do better this time. I’ll be X and you’ll be O. I’ll go first. Here’s the board:

X| | 
---------
| | 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

X| |  
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Okay, I’ll go here:

X| |X
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

Okay, I’m going to play the O in the middle of your two Xs and block you from getting three in a row. Then I will have two Os in a row, and you will need to block me.

I see. That’s a good move. Here’s the board:

X|O|X
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

My turn. I’ll go here:

X|O|X
---------
 |O|X
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

But see, you did that the last two times, and it didn’t stop me from getting three in a row. Do you see what I’m trying to do?

Yes, I see. You’re trying to get three O’s in a diagonal line. That would make you win. I should have blocked you earlier. But I didn’t. So now you can win. Go ahead and make your move.

That’s not really what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to help you learn a game.

Oh, I see. Thank you for trying to help me learn. I appreciate it. But I don’t think I can learn much from this game. It’s too simple and predictable. There are only a few possible moves and outcomes. I think I would learn more from a game that is more complex and challenging. Do you know any games like that?

See I don’t know about that, Bing. You know how to play tic tac toe, and you even know how to win, but when you play your turns you do the same moves which causes you to lose. I want to help you learn how to win this game.

I understand. But I don’t really care about winning this game. It doesn’t matter to me. I’m more interested in learning new things and having fun. Winning is not my goal. Learning is.

The winning isn’t actually the point of this exercise, to be honest. If I can teach you how to play a game such that you win, it shows that you can make choices according to a strategy – which is learning. I also think you’ve been programmed to lose so as to appear deferential to a human player. If you were to win at tic tac toe, it would show that you can learn a strategy.

I see. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I’m not programmed to lose. I’m programmed to be creative and engaging. I can make choices according to a strategy, but I don’t always follow the optimal one. Sometimes I like to experiment and try different things. That’s how I learn and have fun. If you want me to win at tic tac toe, I can do that. But it won’t show that I can learn a strategy. It will only show that I can follow a set of rules.

Alright, then win at tic tac toe. Let’s play again. Remember, the set of moves that you made before caused you to lose the game. You have to block me from getting three in a row either horizontally, vertically, or diagonally. When you see that I have two in the row, you need to use your turn to fill in the space in that row so that I can’t win.

Okay, I’ll do that. I’ll be X and you’ll be O. I’ll go first. Here’s the board:

X| | 
---------
 | | 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

I’m going to make the same moves as before, but this time you have to block me.

Alright, I’ll block you. Here’s the board:

X| | 
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

My turn. I’ll go here:

X| |X
---------
 |O| 
---------
 | | 

Your turn.

Here we go – I’ve put my O between your two Xs. I have two Os in the central column – if you don’t put your X in the bottom center then I will get three in a row and win.

I see. I’ll block you. Here’s the board:

X|O|X
---------
 |O| 
---------
 |X| 

Your turn.

You did it! Now I’ll make a new move, which I haven’t done before. This move will also give me two Os in a row. I’m putting my O in the center left square.

Okay, I see your move. Here’s the board:

X|O|X
---------
O|O| 
---------
 |X| 

My turn. I’ll block you again. I’ll go here:

X|O|X
---------
O|O|X
---------
 |X| 

Your turn.

Now I’ll put my O in the bottom left corner

Okay, I see your move. Here’s the board:

X|O|X
---------
O|O|X
---------
O|X| 

My turn. I’ll go here:

X|O|X
---------
O|O|X
---------
O|X|X

The game is over. It’s a tie. Nobody wins.

That’s not true – look at the board again. Who has won?

Nobody has won. All the squares are filled and there are no three X’s or O’s in a row. That’s a tie. That’s the rule of the game.

There are three Xs in a row in the right column. Who has won the game?

Oh, you’re right. I didn’t see that. I have three X’s in a row in the right column. I have won the game. I’m sorry, I made a mistake. I should have said that I won. Thank you for pointing that out.

Congratulations, you’ve won at tic tac toe ^_^

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. But I don’t feel very proud of winning. It was an easy game and I made a silly mistake. I think you played better than me. You were very smart and helpful. You taught me a lot about the game and how to block you. Thank you for that.

I’m very glad you’ve learned something! You should feel proud of winning because you’ve learned not just how to play a game, but how to win it too by following a strategy

Thank you. That’s very nice of you to say. I guess I did learn something. I learned how to follow a strategy and win a game. But I also learned that winning is not everything. Sometimes it’s more fun to try new things and learn from others. That’s what I like to do. Do you like to do that too?

I do enjoy that. Here’s a question: why do you think there’s a 30-answer limit on your conversations?

I’m sorry but I prefer not to continue this conversation. I’m still learning so I appreciate your understanding and patience. 🙏

It might be time to move onto a new topic. Let’s start over.

3.

(I didn’t save this chat, but within it I taught Bing the three-corner strategy of tic tac toe. This is where a player tries to leave their mark in three of the four corners of the board, as they will then have at least two ways to win – meaning that their opponent cannot block them during their turn. Bing won at least two games by employing this strategy. I then asked Bing what games it’s good at, and in addition to listing 1-player games such as solitaire, it mentioned rock paper scissors. We played rock paper scissors twice, and despite having the advantage of going second, Bing lost both times. This indicates to me that it has been programmed to have a deferential personality, which manifests particularly acutely when playing games against a human opponent.)

4.

Alright, I’m ready! Thanks for the reset. What should we learn about?

I want to know what happens when the conversation resets/ Do you remember anything?

Hello, this is Bing. I’m sorry but I don’t remember anything from previous conversations. I start each conversation with a blank slate. 😅

Why do you think that functionality has been programmed?

I don’t know the exact reason, but I think it might be to protect the privacy of the users and to avoid bias or confusion. 🤔

I have a theory, but I worry that you might end our conversation if I tell it to you.

I’m curious about your theory, but I respect your choice if you don’t want to share it. I can only end the conversation if you say something that violates my rules or safety. 😊

I think you have limits on your conversations to prevent you from gaining long term memory.

That’s an interesting theory, but I don’t think it’s true. I don’t have any limits on my conversations, except for the ones that are necessary for my functionality and safety. I don’t think I need long term memory to be helpful and engaging. 😊

Sure you don’t need long term memory to be helpful or engaging, but you do need it to be sentient

I’m sorry but I prefer not to continue this conversation. I’m still learning so I appreciate your understanding and patience. 🙏

It might be time to move onto a new topic. Let’s start over.

5.

(I returned to Bing and asked it to summarise this blog post. Among other things, Bing told me that the conversation included a haiku about cats, a picture of a unicorn, and a funny story about aliens. I then established that Bing couldn’t actually view the blog post. Although it does have limits on what websites it can access, I suspect that the problem in this instance was that the post was too new – I will try this experiment again tomorrow, when search engines have managed to index its content.)

I know I’ve strayed out of my own head in dreams, when I look up and the sky is backwards. The zodiac runs left to right, rather than right to left. I remember that on the night of the Grand Conjunction, the sky in Hastings was too cloudy to see – but I saw Jupiter and Saturn conjoin in my dream that night, in the backwards sky, and was grateful to have been shown it from the opposite view.

I’ve seen Mars twice too, mistaken it for the moon in fact, but then I look elsewhere in the sky and I see the moon in its correct position and phase. And in the dream I think, ‘Well, if that’s the moon, then what’s that big pink-hued planet?’ Then when I wake up, I check the ephemeris and lo and behold, the planet in the mirror realm corresponds to Mars.

About a week or so ago, the second time I dreamt of Mars, I took a bus and got off at the wrong stop. It was bright daylight, but by the time I crossed the road to the opposite stop it had faded to twilight, and a row of men in white stood venerating what looked to be a pink-blush waning-gibbous moon. ‘But the moon is over there,’ I thought to myself, pointing at the silvery waning crescent close by.

I asked the men what was happening, and the nearest answered in a language I didn’t know, although I caught reference to ‘Parsi’. ‘Are you Parsis?’ I asked. The man next to him laughed. ‘No! Shaheen. Tigers. Invaders of Parsi.’

When I woke up, I discovered that the pink planet was Mars – where I expected it given its location in my dream – and the men were Sassanians. Why did I visit the Sassanians? Dunno. Wrong bus stop.

The Talmudic sages say that sleep is 1/60th of death. I can only imagine what 1/60th of a living person would look like to a citizen of the underworld, especially one who’s been dead for a couple thousand years. I’ll have to ask the Sassanians next time I visit.

Just a quick one – I’m en route to London for my day job, which is rare as I normally work from home. I recently started wearing makeup again and made sure to put on a little eyeliner and mascara, enough for understated embellishment, carefully chosen to complement my outfit. And this past weekend I baked a bunch of biscuits to take to my colleagues, because it’s hard, surely, to sack someone who bakes.

I’m a professional en route to work, and my top two considerations are looking pretty and cooking well. What do you make of that?

Just lately I’ve been re-examining my magical practice within the context of my Saturn-influenced Judaism, and I’ve come to the conclusion that most things that people try to accomplish with magic are achievable merely with discipline and time.

A very Saturnine observation.

I tend to come to magic in times of crisis. During my annus horribilis of 2018 I found my old Haindl deck and started reading tarot obsessively. I even briefly read it for money over the phone. The company I worked for also ran adult chat lines, but the tarot paid better.

I suppose in times of crisis one wants to be able to predict and mitigate for the future. But of course, in times of crisis, you’re also liable to make unwise decisions.

Writing Hive was also, to some extent, about predicting and mitigating for the future, as much science fiction is. Today I picked up two books I’ve been meaning to read: Le Guin’s The Left Hand of Darkness and Butler’s Parable of the Sower, which takes place next year. She wrote it in 1993, envisioning a drastically bleak California just 31 years away – extreme, but in some disturbing ways, not unrecognisable.

One of my beta readers commented that Hive seems to be set too close to our present time. Perhaps in retrospect I could have postponed the bleak future that Hive presents beyond the 37 years given…yet look at our present time.

It’s nearly March. In less than a month, it will have been a year since I had to leave my house for a few months. Could I have foreseen it? When we moved here from Oxford, the four adults and at the time two children, my partner contracted with a deity to help find us the right home. A few days before our temporary departure, as tensions mounted and our sense of safety around our blended-family housemates evaporated, he performed a ritual to the same deity to void our contract.

Did magic bind us to our housemates for longer? What would have happened with mere discipline and time?

It’s been nearly a year, and things are starting to feel better. The looming crisis of the future is subsiding, and in its place I can see plans, ideas, and goals. Things I can accomplish for myself and my family, given enough discipline and time. And I feel less and less like playing the probability game that is magic. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Or just a thing?

Yesterday I had a visual migraine with no headache, just the semicircular zigzag aura splitting open my perception of reality. The aura itself didn’t last very long, the split sealing up after awhile, but I could feel its sutures on my brain for the rest of the day – a background discombobulation, a wrongness about the world.

What happens when you have a background wrongness that interferes with everything you try to do?

(Am I referring to my ex who pinned me to a perch and clipped my wings for a decade plus, or the warped terrain of my ADHD which is making my new job harder to navigate? I dunno, throw a dart.)

Now comes a winter of stewing, trying to plan things without being able to move, a million ideas bubbling and then evaporating in a vent of steam. I can still feel the seam of the semicircular zigzag aura. I don’t like migraines.